RECTAL VENTRILOQUISM

Oh Hello Me.

2012-01-28T17:32:00.000-05:00

Wow!!! My last post was dated sometime in November 2010. It has been awhile. I am still around. No tragic stories to tell except for I am now an empty nester and the fun begins!!! Woo.

I still follow some of you on twitter, but you don't know who I am. Makes it more exciting for me.

I have missed reading some of your posts and visit some of your blogs.

Work, Life, Studying, and now I can add Partying to that!!! woo.

Hard Crush - the best guy on glee ever!!

2010-11-26T21:39:00.002-05:00

So the world is sailing right along and I have been buried under a ton of research shit.

Is it wrong that this cutie's rendition of Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" just makes me smile? I have watched this episode of Glee a dozen times?

Okay! maybe more than a dozen. Shut it!

My kids say it is a little creepy, but hey I am allowed to reminisce.

He makes me want to be in high school again! What?

Did I really say that out loud? High school was not exactly fun times for me. Apart from the regular ~~wild~~ high school ruckus that went on, I spent my high school days fending off lesbians while I was chasing boys.

Traumatized! True story.

I went to an all girls catholic school and right across the street was an all boys catholic school. Go figure. Sneaking off to to the boys school at lunch and recess was an absolute thrill.

Getting caught by Sister Miriam, not so much!

When I saw this video on Glee, I nearly lost my mind and it threw me right back to my high school days when I drooled over the boys across the street from my school! Sigh...

The video has been posted on many blogs that I follow including this one here which is one of my favourite blogs.

Oh... to be young!!

In Search of an ugly ass sweater.

2010-11-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

No! No! I am not in search of an ugly ass in a sweater, however, it is that time of year and yes, ladies and gents I am in search of an ugly Christmas sweater. Every year, my crew has an Ugliest Christmas Sweater Party. Note the most important word in that is PARTY.

PARTY + BOOZE + SOME GROPING = UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY

Did you catch that equation? Good. Me either. Onward.

Every year, we scour the nation, okay, city for the ugliest Christmas sweater that we can find (which turns out it is only an excuse to drink). Lo and Behold there is also a website (shocking) on ugly christmas sweaters! Yay!

To give you an idea of what we may or may not have found and because my crew has issues including me of posting our pics on the interwebz because we are all secret agents and don't want to compromise our identity and I think one of us is on a witness protection program and while in the program at one point almost had their identity breached by some stupid ass who posted her husband's photo... oh wait, where was I? Oh yes, pictures. So this may or may not be part of the crew.


No idea who these two people are.


No idea who she is either, the couch may have been uglier than the sweater!


Not sure if it was a sweater or a rifle with fringes. It could also be a duster.


Still have no idea who this cutie is (wink).

So you get the idea? Let the fun times begin.

Burger, Bacon and need I therapy, seriously.

2010-11-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

I am over my meltdown and have moved on to my new HBO obsession because I have no life and whatever sense I have left is gone.

My blog is still fucked up but it will do for now. Naturally, because of all the fuckery only bacon, cookies and burger give me comfort so I caved and got myself a junior hamburger deluxe. Buuurrrppppp!

My head is swirling with random thoughts. I have a big paper to write which is due at the end of the month and honestly, when I have a paper due I seem to obsess about things. Things such as - you know, fucking with my blog.

In other news...

Allow me to share with you my new favourite show on HBO. HBO, I love you. (send cheque or money order asap) Since True Blood is finished and Californication is not starting until January and Glee is going strong except for my mixed feelings about Gwyneth's appearance on tonight's episode, but I can live with that. My kid's name is not Apple so yeah. Gwyneth! (it may also be that I am jealous she is married to Chris Martin and because she just decided she wants to be on Glee and BAM she is on Glee!)

Where was I? Oh yeah, my new HBO favourite is In Treatment. The show is about Dr. Paul Weston, a therapist who provides treatment to 3 patients and is in treatment himself. His patients Sunil, Jesse and Frances all present with their own challenges. You only have to watch the show once and you will be hooked. Sunil and Jesse are my favourite characters and Frances is annoying. I won't spoil the rest of the program, in case you catch it on HBO. (HBO send cheque anytime now.).

Lord of the Bacon

2010-11-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

Mother of all things small, hard and brown, I have royally fucked up my blog. Bare with me until I figure out the how I can do the HTML bullshit or until I consult with Obe wan Kanobe. In the meantime, for your viewing pleasure while I go get me vodka and cookies.

Deal with it! Holy shit cause I am having a major meltdown.

Brazilian Man Meat

2010-11-15T23:42:00.001-05:00

Lately I am not sure what to write and have contemplated deleting my blog, however, I know I will miss blogging. Although I don't post often, I lurk all my favourite blogs. At times I don't leave comments because you just have left me speechless with your brilliant post. Ahem. Seriously.

Onward.

I am still reveling in the sights and sounds of our recent roadtrip to Pennsylvania. We stumbled upon one of the best restaurants called Fogo de Chao on Chestnut Street in downtown Philly. If you have not already been to one, I suggest you do. The service was impeccable, the food was also superb. Where else can you find hot Brazilian men running around holding their meat, I mean skewers of all kinds of meat. Ha. Not only do men run around with hot meat.... (hmmm). once you take a stroll towards the buffet table, not only will you find fresh vegetables and delicious salads, you will also find this...

MMmmmm, I heard angels singing and there better be bacon in heaven and hell.

The meat is on top of the bread and not the bottom... that is the difference between a sub and a hoagie...

2010-11-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

So I have 30 minutes to shit, shower and shave my legs but I thought I should explain where the hell I have been and what the hell is wrong with my posting window. The fuck?

Philadelphian's (hereinafter shall be called Philly people) take their Hoagies seriously. I have had the wonderful pleasure of having a 4 day vacay and driving 8 motherfucking hours from approximately Niagara Falls to Philly and losing my turnpike ticket and was charged 30 dollars for the entire Philly turnpike usage. Captain Gadget was not happy.

Let me start with the Reading Terminal Market and how I fell in love with the Amish guy who made the most fabulous breakfast and the pulled pork at Dikniks and when I asked if I can have my hoagie on a tortilla shell I thought he was going to start spitting nails and apparently that was a no-no question cause it was as if he did not even hear me or I may have well spoken in Chinese cause my Hoagie was handed to me on a bun big enough four for people. Three days later I am still burping hoagies but it was delicious.

This is just a mini post cause I have to shit shower and shave and I will post pics... maybe.

Happy Halloween my pretties...

2010-10-30T11:09:00.000-04:00

Yay, motherfuckers Yay.

It is Halloween my favourite time of the year. Ms. Sue Sylvestri described this holiday quite accurately.

The Schitt Family Tree.

2010-10-16T16:02:00.002-04:00

In keeping with yesterday's post on cleansing equals shit. I bring you the history of the The Jack Schitt Family. Gather around my dear interwebz friends and let us all intellectualize shit.

You are welcome.

Extraordinary Amounts of Bowel Movements = Cleansing.

2010-10-15T23:16:00.000-04:00

Slap me around and call me Susan! Halfway through writing a post I had planned for today, I said to myself, "Self, the world outside of the interwebz is boring and it just does not understand me." I know my interwebz friends get me and you complete me. (fucking thanks Jerry.)

For instance, when I say things like "I need to go to my happy place or I want to run with unicorns for the day" people respond with the worried look.

Thanks Mr. Hitchcock for a prime example of the worried look.

Yeah! this look. Anyway, the point of this post is not about the boring, assholey people outside of the interwebz, or my occasional disappearing act from blogville due to my internship requiring a ton of reading. Reams and reams of reading that take up my time resulting in me not having a life but could one day take me to Yoda like sensibility.

Fuck me!

I digress.

I know, frightening isn't it?

No worries, despite of my Yoda sensibility my writing will always be about pooping, fucking, spending my days in hell with fluorescent lighting and my inability to use punctuations correctly; (see what I mean) which brings me to the actual point of this post.

This post is about cleansing. Not the cleansing, like cleansing your face or "cleansing" your home of bad energy, or cleaning your closet or anything ordinary that needs cleansing or cleaning. This particular type of cleansing involves extraordinary amounts of bowel movements.

During holidays where I have consumed copious amounts of food, I tend to give my innards a good scrubbing using a mixture of herbal stuff that can be found at a health food store that makes me shit out my lower lungs every time I put food in my mouth!

Oh damn. I'll be back, I have to go.

Turkey Anxiety

2010-10-07T22:11:00.000-04:00

The turkeys are restless and I would be shitting cranberries and stuffing if I was one.

Thanksgiving is earlier in Canada than in the U.S. since our thanksgiving is not about the pilgrims and the awesome holiday shopping the day after. I know eh?

I guess the Pilgrims by passed Canada and went straight to the U.S. to go shopping. I could be wrong.

So why is Canada celebrating thanksgiving in October? I thought you'd never ask.

A little history lesson... an english explorer named Martin Frobisher was trying to find a passage through the Orient. To which resulted in an epic fail in his part because - Hello Martin, I am no Christopher Columbus but you were going the wrong way and because his journey was an epic fail he said to himself "Martin, there is some land over there and we will call that Newfoundland because dammit, this boat is starting to smell really bad and we may need potatoes and some moisturizer and sunblock. So let's just say...We're here and we shall call "here" Newfoundland!"

Okay, I am not done here. So Martin said, "I want to have a ~~parade~~ party to give thanks to this journey" and voila.... Thanksgiving in Canada. For those of you who are history buffs and all that. Suck it cause this is my story.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Taking Facials to a whole nother level...

2010-10-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

I know! Once again, life happened. Forgive me my recta (there is actually a plural form of rectum). Here I am thinking, it is rectums but noooooo, its recta. Sounds like trifecta.

But I digress.

So I missed my friends on the interwebs and I have a lot of catching up to do.

So while I was away fighting off dragons,I came across this little gem of an article. If it is not poop, vagina, penis or pee that I want to write about then the next best thing is.....

SPERM!!

Holy shit! I googled images of sperm and he came up!

Okay hang on I will try another one.

Awww, he's cute!! I want a plushy sperm. Again, the ADD kicks in once in a while.

Anyway.

Who knew sperm facials are the keys to that elusive fountain of youth - shall we say fountain of sperm. I know. I know. Honestly.

Read on my brothers and sisters.

"A potent organic compound initially detected in human sperm, spermine is said to rebuild the fat and moisture balance of the skin.Norwegian firm Bioforskning (no joke, that’s the company name) offers a synthetic version (why get the synthetic version if you can have the real stuff!) derived from the tail of the tiny swimmers, going to new lengths to deliver baby-faced skin. At New York’s Graceful Services, aestheticians use infrared light to allow spermine to penetrate deeper into pores. For easily nauseated spa goers, rest assured, I found the serums more or less fragrance-free"

Oh it gets better my interwebs friends, apparently a spa in New York City called Graceful Services is one of a few spas in Manhattan to offer the Spermine facial. Oh! those New Yorkers.

"If scented candles and orchid-strewn rooms are most important to you, the place may feel a bit too plain. Still, a loyal following of stressed New Yorkers routinely sacrifice the frills and swear by the efficacy of treatments"

Go ahead! You can make all the tasteless facial jokes here. I am off to get a facial.

SCREAM LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SCREAMED!!!!!

2010-09-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

Fuckin' A.

I am not one for rides or shit that get off the ground without serving meals. Hello!

I would scream louder and explode if I had to get on a ride. No one can pay me enough money to get on one of this.

Scream my brother, Scream!

Thanks Viddler

"Eye Fucking?"

2010-09-13T01:17:00.001-04:00

Is it just me or is there a certain sadness that hangs in the air because True Blood ended its third season?

There were great one liners in the season finale and I'll be damned if I can remember them all, however, the best one was Eric saying to Bill and the wolfy bearded guy who is not really hot but lots of people think he is but I don't.

"When you two finish eye fucking each other, follow me!"

Oh Eric, you can "eye fuck" me anytime.

Meeowww...

P.S. Kate Bosworth you skinny ass... you suck!

Canada also Remembers

2010-09-11T10:48:00.000-04:00

I remember along with you.

Homicidal Tuesday - WTF Captain Gadget?

2010-09-07T09:03:00.000-04:00

Happy Homicidal Tuesday!

I am so pissed I could rip a phone book in half. Seriously. I am hoping that at the end of this post the desire to rip a phone book in half have dissipated. Maybe, maybe not.

Where do I begin? "Oh Captain my Captain" - Captain Gadget. What. the. fuck?

Yes, the man of all men and the man of my dreams. At this moment, I am not swooning but instead my muscles have all locked up and I am spitting venom and nails.

I also feel my uterus contracting!

That is how pissed I am. Pissed may be a kind word. Homicidal may be more appropriate for the occasion. ~~For legalities or culpabilities sake - not literally~~.

Hear me out.

Captain Gadget can fix and build anything. According to him, if he cannot fix it himself, then it cannot be fixed. From chewed up cell phone chargers to cars. I know this to be true he can fix it and I simply adore that skill. There are several "upsides" to being one with Captain Gadget who can fix everything. One: is that nothing stays broken and two: I never have to pay for something to be repaired. Awesome. I know! Jealous? Don't be.

There is a downside. Yes, wait for it.

Two months ago, we purchased a vehicle for RV2. (second child whom we shall call rectal ventriloquist2)

Frankly, having a teen with a driver's license and one car can be annoying. Between my schedule and her schedule it gets a little tense when coordinating transportation. It wasn't so bad in the summer since, all she did was work and hang out with friends which was great. She dropped me off at work, she had the car while I was at work and easy peasy.

Coordinating was simple.

Captain Gadget and I agreed that sooner or later come September we will need a car for RV2 since her schedule and my schedule becomes intense in September. From school, to work, to extra curricular activities between the two of us sharing one car is just not doable.

So off we went to buy a 2008 Baby Audi for RV2 from a little old lady who drove the car from home to the grocery store and back, because you know, Capt. Gadget won't drive anything else but an Audi or Volkswagen made cars. Fine. The price was reasonable, low mileage and it was in great condition. Until of course where we get to the part when we took the car for a test drive. Captain Gadget hears a small whirr. Yup small one nothing big, it is a whirr nonetheless. Then he rambles on about having to remove the oil pan to get to a certain part of the car that is whirring to change the said part. Fine. Great.

All that he determined in one simple test drive. Brilliant? Yes. Simple? No.

We purchased the car the first week of June and it is now September and no car for RV2.

Why you ask? Well, Captain Gadget also is busy with his work being master builder of gadgets and because no one else could fix things better than he could and therefore the motherfucking car sits in the garage while I sit here still wanting to rip that phone book.

That is the downside of being one with Captain Gadget.

5 on the 5th

2010-09-04T17:25:00.020-04:00

The impending touch down of Earl is also affecting our weather patterns here in ~~Eastern Canada~~ buck fuck Ontario north of Chicoutimi.

For this month's 5 on the 5th hosted by Stephen's Blog,
I decided to get out and see what kind of havoc Earl is sending our way while keeping in mind this month's theme: The Blues.

Blue Skies, blue water - While taking this picture it was very windy where I stood and quite difficult for me to stand still without getting blown away. Not an ideal day for sailing. Yes? No?

No. Stupid people, naturally will think, what a beautiful day to sail. With the wind gust to almost 30 billion knots lucky for them they did not snap their mast. But hey, where would we be without 6 stupid people on a boat.

Onward!

Ahhh, there's my sign. Looks like we are going left and following this route. After picking up a couple of bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot. I am off to sit and enjoy the view from here.

Salute!

Hmmm, and now to make the blueberry crisp? Thanks anonymous for catching that.

Thanks Stephen for your great idea of 5 on the 5th.

The Birthday B.J. Club

2010-08-31T22:30:00.001-04:00

Here I sit, contemplating the birthday blow job. Getting myself emotionally ready to uphold my membership. No need to feel sorry for Captain Gadget since I pay my dues once a month, try to anyway. I may not be speaking for every man or woman on earth, but some women or men may dread it some may just get right down to business or on their knees and welcome the penis. No judgments here. Pray for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love and worship the penis but you know. I will stop right here.

I have said too much.

In other news, August is done, thank goodness fall is right around the corner, happy, happy for me. YAY.

In other exciting news, internship year is here and young hot med students does not go well with my attempts to concentrate during case conferences. Since my thoughts go to "mother of all small brown things you will be one day giving me an enema"... and I have wasted my youth...

Since I have a maturity of a 5 year old, there are things I just cannot say with a straight face or without giggling and I am sorry I cannot stop staring at your crotch when you stand in front of me or your ass when you walk away and you should really wear a white coat to cover it. Honestly. But my X-ray vision will just see right through that coat. Seriously.

I prefer to work with ugly ass people than hot, young, smoking hot people that may or may not look like him.

I know!

Monday Minute and back from the bushes!!

2010-08-23T23:16:00.000-04:00

So I am back from the country... the farm... so to speak. Where the men are men and so are women... just kidding!

Had a mini country/farm holiday... slept and ate and drank and slept and ate and drank and had a bonfire. YAWN!!

In as much as I love solitude and quiet contemplation, I like being back in the city, home, sleeping in my own bed and being queen of my kingdom...shitting in my own toilet!

I was thinking of what to post since my brain has been on park the entire summer, and it's time to put it back into overdrive. In the meantime, I know its rather late but what the hell, the Monday Minute is always a fun post.

1. What is your favorite 80s flick?

I would have to say, Less than Zero with Robert Downey Jr. and Breakfast Club. I know.

2. One genre of music needs to be banned. Which genre?

Without a doubt RAP music. I know. But hold on, a little confession here. I love some of Eminem's stuff. I know, shut up! Don't get all judgy on me. I just like the way he sounds.

3. What is your all time favorite candy?

Right about here, I could lie and say taffy. Meh. Nope. not much of a candy person.
I especially hate the little candies they give in restaurants some freaking pineapple candy, or cherry shit flavoured candy. Nope. Just give me cake.

4. How 'flawed' is your driving record?
Ha. Touch your woody, or someone's woody, but it is perfect. For serious. No moving violations! Yes, you can be jealous!!

5. What was your high school mascot?

Okay, no lie, our high school mascot was a beaver. Of course. every damn high school in this country has a beaver. Errrr... the mascot that is... then again we also had this guy running around that reminds me of the guy on a Trojan condom, maybe a Trojan symbol. Ha. Trojan and beaver!! okay nevermind, I was probably too high to get that in high school.

6. What color socks are you wearing

I hate socks! Such a dilemma in the winter time. If I could go sockless in the winter I would, totally.

There you have it the Monday minute. What the fuck blogger, what's with the bold?

When in India, stay on the pole. EAT PRAY AND STRIP...

2010-08-18T15:26:00.000-04:00

If all else fails I am going to India and find strippers for my strip club.

Who knew that is where the talent is.

Eat, Pray and Strip?

You're Welcome.

Eric, Call me...

2010-08-16T21:53:00.003-04:00

Trusting that everyone got all sexed up, liquoured up and caught the best episode of True Blood. The show is getting hotter!

(I love you Eric, call me!!)

Sad for you if you didn't get sexed up and liquored up and missed True Blood.

No worries, you go slap or rub one out and I'll be here when you get back.

Go on, don't be shy!

Honestly, I am just sitting here debating if I should wash my ass now or later as in before I go to bed. (Always wash your ass before you go to bed!!)

There is nothing more irritating when people try and get in my bed and don't shower first. Not good for my OCD. That means I have to strip the bed in the morning and wash my sheets again. (Whoa! random thought there)

And... I am back! So I am sitting here and debating on the ass washing and lurking your blogs and this website when I thought, "Self, I should share this funny website to my interwebs friends".

I swear, I almost want to hang out with these people for one night. Then again not. Since I have my own crazy crew that text random stuff like:

"Can someone move the vulva off the driveway, I can't get in"

I know! What can I say?

Anyway, this is the website I have been lurking and here are some good ones from:

"TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT"

(609): His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

(347): I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

(512): You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye. (can anyone say pink eye?)

(305): i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot (1-305): lets call myth busters.

(765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed.

(814): shape ups are the best shoes to wear when you're stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

(226): I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

(215): you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Recognize your texts? Anyone? Party Animals.

I am pretty sure my movie husband Leo is watching me while I take a shit.

2010-08-11T15:45:00.002-04:00

Let me know if you are one of those people that take a huge dump in the toilet and stand up and look at

what you just shit out, just in case it was a baby or you may have heard a faint mooo while your poo was in transit through your bowels!

You do? You are disgusting!!

Honestly.

And don't tell me you are a vegetarian and your shit don't stink, because honestly, I don't know what type of fucking vegetables vegetarians eat cause when they shit, it smells like a fucking farm being freshly fertilized on a hot summer day!! Trust me, I know this because a colleague of mine is a vegetarian and no one goes in that bathroom after she is finished for fear of: one, nose hairs incinerating and two, without a doubt the paint is peeling in the bathroom walls.

This post is not entirely about shit. It is about magazine subscriptions. I know, who knew?

I subscribe to a few magazines and mostly they are men's magazines. Let me tell you why. I am a woman and I know what shoes I like, what clothes fit me well, what colour lipstick I should wear and how I want my hair. I don't need Vogue, Elle or any other god damned magazine to tell me how I should look.

Can you hear me roar!! ROAR!!

What I do want to know is what men are up to. What are they wearing? What are they thinking? What kind of underwear looks hot? I want to look at pictures of men and I want to hear what men have to say. So I subscribe to Men's Health Magazine, Esquire and GQ. I love them all. As soon as I get them in the mail, I cannot wait till bed time cause I know for sure, I am spending it with some hot glossy man. Naturally, as soon as I finish reading them, they end up where? Yerp, you got it!

In the Sal de Bain. That's bathroom for those who don't par le vous.

So I have a collection of magazines mostly men's magazines and the odd Canadian Geographic or Yoga Journal magazine. For some reason, the issue of Esquire with Leo on the cover always ends up on top... that is top of the pile... of magazines!!

So I am pretty sure, my movie husband Leo Dicaprio is watching every shit I take, every move I make...

Exactly!

MY LESBIAN ROCK

2010-08-06T11:39:00.000-04:00

I stumbled upon this website called, Texts from Last Night.
Some of the texts are down right hilarious, gross and damn, I miss my undergraduate
years.

Yup I was a partier! Mind you I was very conservative, (reads: did not sleep around) nonetheless we partied, drank, pulled pranks and once in a while would get into trouble. Nonetheless we got through University as planned.

Being a conservative partier is what I learned from attending a private all girls catholic high school that and being chased by lesbians. All. the. motherfucking. time.

After high school, off to University where (insert angels singing here) a panoply of BOYS, BOYS, BOYS AND MORE BOYS. YAY!

I oogled boys, Calypso, oogled girls and we had a blast!!

Then we had a to grow up a little but not a lot and function in an "adult" world.

Although I have rambled on about being afraid of lesbians in my previous posts, I am not really afraid of lesbians, frankly, my best friend is a lesbian. We have known each other since high school. Like many other lesbian women, it was difficult for her to self identify. She struggled, doubted, hated, and I was with her through it all.

Self-identify is how most Canadians refer to "coming out". It seems empowering than saying "coming out of the closet!" I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for men to self-identify as being gay. Without a doubt it is also a difficult path to travel.

She was unsure whether she was gay or not. She thought she was going through a phase of experimentation during our undergrad years. She dated men but she also had liaisons with women until she decided to get married. There I was her maid of honour. (I use the term loosely) Yes I know, shocking!

I suggested that maybe she should let her future husband know that she maybe bisexual. Who knows, what fun they may have. After all, Carrie in Sex in the City wittingly said, bisexuality is a stopover to fully admitting you are gay. She refused and felt that that was a phase in her life.

Alrighty! Onward.

I supported her through this right up to the birth of her second child, but I can tell she was not happy. She and her husband never spent much time together. He did his own thing and she did hers. I thought then, what a perfect relationship. Then again, I knew, she preferred to be with someone else, a woman.

Finally, they "divorced" but continue to reside in the same home due to the economy. She seems happier, he knows she is gay. I continue to be her besties. We stick together through thick and thin, and copious amounts of red wine!

I wish she would stop asking me to see my boobs. Fucking ass.

5 on the 5th not like Saks on 5th.

2010-08-04T23:13:00.001-04:00

I pilfered this idea from a fellow blogger "The State of the Nation UK" and the rules are:

You can either take 5 random pictures of anything that happens to you on the 5th of any month- in this case, August or the days leading up to it or perhaps go for the suggested theme!

Here are my 5's that lead to the 5th of August.

Enjoy!


Peter Rabbit scoping out my garden.

Have no fear, Bunny 5-0 is here.


She is fierce and ready to pounce on anything that moves, like leaves.

Her only mission is to protect her domain and my vegetable garden.

On stealth mode!

To protect the vulnerable,

The Cherry Tomato Family.

NB: Peter Rabbit was not harmed during the making of 5 on the 5th. In fact, he continues to think that my garden is a salad bar. Oh Peter. You. Fucker.

I am in the closet with Zac Efron

2010-08-03T00:13:00.000-04:00

Zac Efron has a new movie and damn, damn, damn he looks delicious. After typing that statement I suddenly feel very dirty and needing to shower.

Let me explain why.

Zac Efron is 21 years old and I am not. I am a bit more shall we say "mature". Shut your trap!

Nonetheless, I think he is HOT.

His eyes alone are the colour of the ocean and without having to resort to the cool misty blah blah cliche, I will just come out and say it - frankly his eyes just seems to scream

FUCK ME!

(oh my god, I need to shower!)

Told you his eyes are beautiful.

I have been planning and scheming how I am going to kidnap my teenage daughter for a few hours and ~~drag~~ get her to come with me to the movies, so it won't be too obvious to other tweens and their twatlight mothers that I am the one that wants to see the movie.

For the record I did not go see the annoying Twatlight series, since Twatlight is for kids. Yo.

She will be my cover. I can always pull the "we need to spend time together together" guilt card. If all else fails, I may have to wait till the movie comes out on DVD to preserve my dignity.

Hell, I waited for High School Musical and 17 Again to be released on DVD and went running- literally running to the video store to purchase it.....for my daughter.

I want to hold him.

In the meantime, I will just watch 17 again for the 9 time. Shut up!!

Dear Miley, please go away and it is a civic holiday.

2010-08-02T08:31:00.001-04:00

Its civic holiday, y'all. It's what we call a long weekend. This holiday really has no purpose since it is not celebrating any event or thing or whatever the fuck holidays celebrate! However, we shall call it, "whoop it up on Sunday night and drink as much as you can cause you don't have to work the next day" holiday and yes it is always on the the first Monday of August.

Whomever decided this holiday, you are a genius! Thank you.

Since I am still on a holiday mode. While I play, I will leave you with another person that just needs to stop it. Just. Stop it.

I stumbled upon this video from a blog called the gaytekeeper.

VAG.COM - Safe for non-vagina users!

2010-07-28T11:32:00.001-04:00

I know! I am shocked as you are with the VAG.COM thing. But let me explain. So my other half formerly known as "the man" shall not be known as "Captain Gadget." See Below or not!

Close enough, mine is hotter!

I have been trying to convince him to build me a remote controlled vibrator. To no avail. All that P.Eng. designation wasted - I tell you.

Captain Gadget is brilliant (read: hot nerd who spends a lot of time in his cave) and can build or fix just about anything. Take for example, my car. If I say to him, "Pumpkin! my car is whistling!" (also helps if I am grabbing his crotch while I am talking to him and I have his full attention!) and he's all "What do you mean whistling?" and I'm all you know like wind leak whistle and he's all rolling is eyes and a few more eye rolls and he's got his lap top comp. and he is in my car all hooked up and we are off for a test drive and I am the co-pilot.

Woo.hoo.

Feeling all important cause I got a lap top in my car and I am waving to everyone including the police officers cause I have a lap top in the car just like they do. I digress.

So, the computer is all doing all kinds of fancy stuff and he's throwing around words like codes and words that I have no fucking idea what they mean in lay man's terms and suddenly, he hits enter and this screen pops up that says VAG and I'm all what.the.fuck! "So, really women are smarter cause you would have to consult a VAG to fix the whistle in my car?"

Naturally, Captain Gadget does not quite know how to respond because he is after all brilliant (read: hot nerd who spends a lot of time in his cave) and at times just does not comprehend what the fuck I am saying.

We communicate well! Really.

A few more eye rolls happens here and asks me if I knew what VAG meant. I 'm all "Pfft, yeah, I have one remember? Hello?" and he's all no it does not mean vagina. VAG stands for Volkswagen Audi Group. Those Germans are funny aren't they?

Just a Fucking Minute!!!

2010-07-26T11:27:00.002-04:00

I love messing with people's names. If his name is Tanabi, then I will call him Wasabi and if he repeats the correct name. I would say, "oh of course I am sorry" then, say it again differently like Bugawi. It fucks with peoples mind. I love it. No idea what the point of that was. The more you know... (say it like that NBC promo. whatevs!)

For all you fang bangers, Alexander Skaarsgard my husband is smokin' hot in his coral kind of green kind of something coral coloured sweater. I also love what he's done to his hair.

You go my darling!!

Went to see my other husband Leo's movie "Inception" and it was FANTASTIC. You have to be really be smart to follow it, and pay attention. You cannot drift in and out of where you are sitting because frankly if you have the attention span of a gnat then I suggest you see Despicable Me, that might be a suitable movie. You're welcome! I lurv you too.

Now that we have that out of the way.

It is time for the Monday Minute! Yay!

brought to you by

Chief at Hiding from the Kids.

1. Who is your "what-if" person?(What-if person being what if I married this person or am now in a relationship with "this" person)

I am totally freaked out by this question. I am typing this with one eye open. When I was 16 years old. I thought I was so in love with this dude and he was a musician. I doubt that I would have been happy in that lifestyle. The band traveled, and he was constantly surrounded by women who wore no underwear and flashed their vagina at him on a constant basis. Like vagina 24 - 7. Thank goodness my mother slapped some sense into me and sent me to an all girls boarding school where I was chased by lesbians. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but really, how many more times am I gonna say No, I like boys! And once I say that, they would all go ape shit. That is why up to this day I am scared of lesbians.

2. What is your nickname?

Apparently, so I am told, every time the door bell rang I screamed with delight so whatever that means. I am thinking I am screaming cause the fucking thing frightened me. Leave it to my parents to misinterpret all signs. Honestly. and No. my nickname is not ding dong.

3. If you could choose how you died, how would you like to die?

What the fuck? I am not even answering this question because frankly, the Universe plays some nasty nasty jokes on me. But really, I might want to be a Vampire surrounded by hotties 24-7 and no lesbians please. So whatever Universe. Just sayin.

4. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?

This one is a no brainer. ANGELINA JOLIE.

5. Who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?

My mother is an asshole.

You're Welcome.

Attitude Check.

2010-07-22T14:17:00.000-04:00

Attitude Checker

Just checking to see if you give a rat's ass about anything today...

Nope!

Me either.

Alright... I'll bite the Monday Minute

2010-07-19T22:35:00.002-04:00

For the life of me I cannot think of what to yammer about. I usually have a lot to say and for once in my life I am sort of mellowed out and not really have much to rage about. Except summer! See how quickly that changed?. Right.

As you all know I hate summer. I cannot wait for that first leaf to fall on the ground which in my world symbolizes.... YUP!

FALL!!

This post is not about the weather, instead it is Monday Minute brought to you by: A PACK OF LIPS - Alright, Apocalypse Blog. So here we go.

1. What is your real name?

As if... I am going to answer that! I am pleading the 5th on this one if we Canadians have the 5th amendment. But we don't and no idea what comes close to the 5th amendment. I think it goes something like, "Fuck you! I am not answering that question."

2. Have you ever fabricated a story on your blog?

Uhmm. Let me see. Nope. Changed the names of those involved, but If I was ever questioned about the contents of this blog, I will deny, deny, deny that it is the truth.

3. When in the car do you listen to the radio/CDs/iPod/etc?

It's like this you see. When I am driving I need to turn the radio down in order to see better and when I do turn the radio down I hear this whistling noise coming from my left side and I am thinking it is from the sideview mirror. Why the fucking thing is whistling I don't know. Not whisting, like my god you are hot whistle but kind of a high pitched wind leak sound! So, I turn the radio up but then I can't see where I am going. Next question?

4. Describe the 'sexiest' item of clothing that you own?

I want to say a thong underwear but really? Let us be serious here for a minute. I never understood the idea of a thong. I do own a couple of pairs and have tried them on and honestly my butt is cold when exposed. Granted that for some men, they think it is hot. Frankly anything that touches my asshole makes me feel like I am going to fart or shit myself. At times, drying myself after a shower is challenging since after a shower my ass is feeling fresh as a spring breeze and the moment that I dry my bits with a towel and naturally I have to dry my butt also. At this point, after drying my fresh as a spring breeze ass, Lord Jebus, now I have to go poop and I have to go shower all over again. It is fucking endless!! So no. thong underwear is not the answer here.

5. Would you be willing to breastfeed your friend's three year old child?

I wish you could see my facial expression after reading this question. Wait a minute. Hang on. Let me see if I can reproduce that expression.

There you go. You people are gross!!

Oy Vey!

2010-07-17T09:12:00.001-04:00

Blogger, blogger, blogger! You have done it again. You have successfully fucked with me by eating my comments.

Ok blogger you win, cause frankly you are just too much of an asshole for me to waste my breath. No. no. blogger you have not technically won, I am merely throwing in a bad hand. You are an asshole blogger.

I have tried to have the comment section of my post to magically reappear to no avail. I have gone under the comment tab and checked off what needs to be checked off and nada. No comment section. I am royally pissed.

Can anyone offer me their technical expertise? If so, please feel free to e-mail me at wannabevirginiawolf at gmail.com. I will lurv you forever.

Update: ARGHHHHH! OH! NEVERMIND.

Yeah! still hatin' on Summer.

2010-07-14T12:15:00.002-04:00

Still here. I am bummed so I am doing a repost cause frankly this is how I feel. I went to go get motherfucking cup cakes for an afternoon tea with the my motherfucking wonderful crew and I almost shoved the lady that was helping me with the cupcakes into the the huge industrial oven behind her. Bitch please! Just give me my fucking cupcakes and don't ask me if I want vanilla or chocolate of if I want the one with fucking hat icing or whatfucking ever! But no, I smiled and kept my syrupy and venomous smile.

Here you go - Enjoy.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One!

ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!!IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

Back to the 40 something angry - menopausal woman programming!!!

2010-07-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

Whoa! pardon the interruption there on my previous vomitorium post. That was the "nag champa" talking. I knew we were not suppose to smoke it.

I thought I'd do a quick post while waiting for the rest to the crew! Yes, we are off to a Garden Tour. Mother of god can there be a more coma inducing activity than walking around a garden tour, looking at motherfucking flowers in a 100 degree weather? I didn't think so.

Yeah, yeah, I'll post pictures. That is, if I don't fall asleep standing up! I could always pretend to faint and maybe a hottie paramedic would tend to me. Or my wonderful crew would just hop over me. Assholes!

A flock of sheep and a yard of Yams - I will lurv you forever.

2010-07-09T12:03:00.000-04:00

Six Years ago, a flock of sheep and a yard of Yams were exchanged and we finally agreed to meet and it was love at first sight! I am shittin' yah about the sheep and the yams.

Seriously, six years ago today I met the love of my life, the man who would change my life in ways that I can only imagine. Me, the beautiful, adventurous, funny,determined, brilliant, fly with the wind and free spirited collided with a strong, silent, sexy, calculated, blue eyed and focused man. Together we experience the world before us.

I never believed in love at first sight. A number of wise people have told me that you just know when you have met that "someone". I thought it was only in storybooks or movies that these things happen. After all I have already gone through 2 significant failed relationships and I had given up on relationships. My goal then was to continue to watch my children do well, grow, settle down, cultivate their own lives and establish a place on earth and off to France I go! Oh lala, Paris.

Then our path's collided.

It was not lust (okay, maybe a little) or a squeal or a feeling of excitement. The feeling that came over me was pure contentment! It is similar to that feeling of peace and serenity that surrounds me when I step outside after that first snow fall. I felt connected to something else outside of me. It was as if nothing or no one else existed but he and I. It was pure bliss. I knew then that this was the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and eventually wipe his ass when he no longer can.

Happy Anniversary to the most beautiful man in the world, my man.

I die a little in the summer and why does my dog smell like bacon?

2010-07-08T14:08:00.001-04:00

I loathe summer! Seriously! I die a little everyday. It is hot and I feel dirty and dusty all the time! The sun burns my skin. I literally feel like I am going to go up in flames when I step outside. (As long as I don't glitter there is hope) I spend my days inside a building and late afternoons inside the house until early evenings and then I am outside tending to my garden.

The road construction in every route there is in this town is unbearable. The machine noise assaults my auditory senses similar to the loud pumping music that emanates from some douche's car. Yes, I am getting old.

The ashphalty and tarry smell of summer I can also go without. Going up to the cottage is not the same. The landscape has changed. What was once a serene lake marked by canoers and kayakers has become the show of who has the bigger and faster boat.

I prefer sailing or canoeing. I prefer going up early fall when most people are preparing to winterize their cottage, I am just beginning to come alive.

I prefer fall and winter, the crisp air, the luminous colours of the trees, the soft and luxurious scarves and sweaters we get to wear! Don't get me started with the shoes!! Mmmm, soft Italian leather.

I also love that stillness after a snowfall, the calm, and the stillness of the air.

Walking the dog becomes tedious and less enjoyable with the heat! After a nice early morning stroll my dog smells like bacon. Bacon use to make me happy now it just gives me dry heaves. But wait, I came across an interesting combination -

Jury is out on this one.

Equality and Diversity2

2010-07-06T00:57:00.000-04:00

Part 2 of fun pics at the Toronto's 30th Pride Parade

Last but not least, this one if for you Gorilla...

You're welcome!

Equality and Diversity

2010-07-05T15:57:00.001-04:00

On Sunday afternoon, as I walked through downtown Toronto where the 30th Pride Parade was about to start. I saw around me the type of world I wanted to live in. A place where same sex couples have the same freedom as "straightees" (new word I learned on Sunday). Free to express themselves without judgment or reservations or fear and 100 percent acceptance. It was a beautiful sight. I met a few great people from Rochester and Edmonton who came to Toronto to celebrate.

I have not fully recovered yet from the festivities but I will post some pics and will post more pics as I download them.

What a cutie!

Kinky?

Nice belt (wink)

"Party in the U.S.A." & Hot Men!!

2010-07-03T13:38:00.004-04:00

Being very close to the U.S. we also get to enjoy the phenomenal fireworks show on the 4th of July. Frankly, your fireworks display is much more spectacular that the July 1, Canada Day celebration. Yeah. GO. U.S. Its your birthday!

Uhm, I am just going to suggest skipping to the last video, it is more of an eye candy. Just sayin.

I apologize for the mullet!

However, this Sunday instead of looking at this,

I will be drooling over this...

Sigh,

Sadly for me, I will not be able to ask him if I can touch any part of his body, since that just may induce dry heaves on his part and consequently vomiting... but I can certainly admire from a distance and envy the lucky guy who gets to touch him.

Nonetheless, I shall be celebrating at the Pride Parade in Toronto as a strong GLBTQ ally.

Much Better Video.

Happy Canada Day - "A beautiful Mind". Get your Pride On...

2010-07-01T12:01:00.000-04:00

The movie "A Beautiful Mind" gets me all the time. At the end of the movie, I am crying like a red head step child who did not get ice cream from the wicked step mother. Bitch!

Dr . John Nash inspires me to do the work I ultimately want to do. Dr. Nash is an American economist and mathematician whose works in game theory, differential geometry, and partial differential equations have provided insight into the forces that govern chance and events inside complex systems in daily life. His theories are used in market economics, computing, evolutionary theory, artificial intelligence, accounting and military theory (thanks wiki).

As brilliant as he is, he also suffered from schizophrenia. Nonetheless, with the right treatment, he was able to lead a good life and no doubt with the support of his partner, Mrs. Nash.

Ultimately, he won the Nobel Piece Prize in 1994.

He inspires me.

I have always been fascinated with schizophrenia or any type of mental disorder. I am not fond of calling any mental conditions as a "disorder" since, I do believe labeling mental health as a disorder only perpetuates the stigma, which make it more difficult for the individual to cope. This of course at times can be perpetuated by the medical model. But hey, it all depends on what theory you use or subscribe to.

I'll stop right here, because I don't want to get all serious since that would be too much like work and the weekend is here. Which means...

YAYAYAY. The Toronto Pride Parade. Celebrate. Stand Up and Be Proud!!

Sadly, I have not been able to get away this week to check out all the celebrations for Pride Week, but rest assured, I am hauling the fam jam to Toronto this weekend.

I will post pictures. Have a safe weekend and to my wonderful friends across the border - Happy 4th of July.

The shit I did while I was not here.

2010-06-28T20:20:00.000-04:00

Its been a while. I know, bad blogger. Between gardening, rowing, parenting, drinking, cottaging, working, drinking and drinking, frolicking in the water and tiptoeing through the tulips, its been a busy few weeks. I know, there is no excuse. I am grateful that you have not left me. I will play catch up and see you all in the comment section.

To make up for my absence, allow me to serenade you my dear friends with Serenading Unicorns.

You're Welcome.

Yes, the summit has come and gone and left a trail of shit and BP is still leaking shit in the Gulf. These are the times that I just want to jump off the planet but have no fear let us share our medicine cabinets and sing kumbaya.

Again, you're welcome.

Playing the horizontal shuffle with plastic toys for joy!! Yipekaye mofo's

2010-06-17T13:06:00.004-04:00

Woofuckinghoo.... I have just put a period on the last sentence of my paper and I am done. Done like dinner done. Stick me with a fork I'm done. Done my thesis. For now. Until September. I have crawled out of the ~~witness protection program~~ grad school and will again reconnect with humans. (might be regretting this in about 5 minutes.) To celebrate, I have this strong desire to drink a bottle of wine, eat copious amounts of cheese (no idea why) or eat a bag of potato chips. Which shall it be. You got it. 2 bottles of wine.

To make my crawling out of a rock much sweeter, I was knighted (shut, up - whatever) with the best award ever!

I am eternally greatful to Wicked.

for knighting (I said shut up,my brain is on pause until September) me with this award. The fun part is along with the award I get to tell you something about myself and I get to share with you 10 things that I do to myself that makes me happy.. huh? or is it 10 things that make me happy?

Hang on, I need to check. Okay, got it. 5 people whom I would want to play Barbie with? Oh! Jesus Herman Christ! For the love of all brown and hard, hang on. Got it!

I need to "to list (and then explain your reasoning) 5 characters you’d like to do the horizontal whiplash with" thank god for cut and paste!

Alrighty then. Here we go.

Mother of god, you knew it was coming!

Alexander Skarsgard who plays Eric Northman on True Blood and is also the son of an actor. The entire family is quite hot but that is not the reason I would do the horizontal shuffle with him, frankly he is just exudes, hotness, sexiness and total naughty bad boy charm.

Oh wait, here is a better photo.

Yummy! Oh! doesn't he just look tickled!!
Having spent give and take 100 x minutes of my life watching the A-team where I could have spent that time writing or doing something more productive it was well worth it watching Mr. Cooper. I hate you Jessica Beil!

We interrupt this post for a small outburst. What the fuck is wrong with my font? It won't motherfucking unbold. Blogger burn in hell. Assholes.

Okay, much better.

Next. Let's see...

I just came. Just Kidding. Need I say why? He does not even have to take his penis out he can just talk to me. Okay he can show me his penis. He is hot, tribal, complicated, fucking awesome accent. Need I say more. Nope.

Next.

Ewan McGregor
I love men with accents. After a good roll in the hay with Colin Farrell, Ewan can definitely moulin my rouge anytime.

Last but certainly not least.....

DEFUCKINGLICIOUS!! Enough said!

The second rule is to select 5 6 people you would like to pass the award to otherwise Bill Gates will eat your youngens. So Bill Gates eat your own youngens I am passing this on to my wonderful peeps. There are some I would have wanted to tag but someone beat me to it. So here goes.

1. Wes at Better by 30.

2. R.J. at R.J. in the City

3. Gorilla Bananas at the Japing Ape

4. Big Sis at Speaking of Witch

5. Apackalipsnow.

6. Cogent Ascending

Have fun - I lurve you all

P.s. Blogger I hate you. Fuck the spaces of my post. Asshole.

The fuck? I forgot my title earlier. Numbskull.

2010-06-09T09:44:00.002-04:00

Apart from scanning blogs that post hot naked men, (I love perverts!) I have not had the time to read or do a post.

Unlike some blogger I know, Yeah, you Dick I am talking to you, I won't make up excuses as to why I have not been posting.

On second thought fuck it, I will.

Top ~~ten~~ three reasons I have not been posting?

1. Grad School - What the hell was I thinking? Mother of god, I barely have time to scratch what is itchy and now I am also wanting to write my Ph.D? Well slap me around and call me Mary!! The other day, I said to the man.

Me: We are moving to Amsterdam so I can do my Ph.D!!!!

Man: *blink* *blink*

Me: So I can smoke dope in a cafe, do research and write my thesis, and you can spend your days in the red light district with hookers and do that part of research for me (I am so shittin' him on the hooker part.)

Man: (as he leaves the room)

Me: Where are you going?

Man: Packing.

2. Summer Rowing - don't even motherfucking ask me why I get up at 5:30 a.m. and row a motherfucking boat! Why? Why? I don't know.

Oh yeah! That's why! Hot men in singlets. woohoo.

3. Gardening - Why again, do I need to garden? Demo gardening is becoming appealing. Where is my hedge trimmer. All plants will be three feet high! hehe.

4. Job - a job where I spend the day with mouth breathers that wear suits with elbow patches. I didn't know they still made them.

Okay I gave you four! Legit. I will be back in two weeks, but I will continue to lurk the hot naked men.

Lump on the Road 0 - Virginia - 1- No asshole drivers this week - Homicidal Tuesday....

2010-06-01T12:22:00.002-04:00

My favourite day of the week: Tuesday. Thank You, Vodka Logic for Homicidal Tuesday.

This is going to be a quickie. I am trying to blog and drive at the same time and I have 2 minutes until I get to the next stop light.

HA! I am shittin' yah!

Oh Shit, hang on..... Okay we're good! He got up!

Virginia 0 - Jaywalker 1

Welcome to Vehicular bowling 101

JAYWALKERS

Fuckers!

Really? Really? Fuckers cannot walk 2 feet and cross on the crosswalk?

That is why we have this profession called Civil engineering so people can safely get across the street. It is simple, at a cross walk when you see the guy that looks like its walking (no diagrams use your imagination) that means you too can walk. YaY!

If you see the hand, that looks like it's saying STOP! that means don't motherfucking walk.

Good job for people that use the cross walk.

Of course we have the stupid people that don't give a fuck if a car is barelling down the street and they decide to tip toe through the motherfucking tulips to get to the other side of the street!

For those that don't use the cross walk and decide to cross a busy mother fucking street? Then, let me introduce you to

Vehicular Bowling. Yay.

Stupid People = Pin (head)

Motor Vehicle = Ball

Are you with me? Yes? No?

Huge Disclaimer: I am in no way encouraging you or anyone to play vehicular bowling. I am just sayin' K? K.

It's really Friday. I checked and drink up for those who celebrate Memorial Day.

2010-05-28T01:38:00.001-04:00

Remember the last time I thought it was Friday and it was not and I was all excited and ended up spending the morning with mouth breathers in cheap suits? No? Me either.

Yay! it's really Friday and this post is brought to you by Ms. Janet at Friday Fill Ins
Feel free to grab whatever button you like and fill in.

1. Wine and Cheese -- are the best foods to take on a picnic.

2. Summer sucks.

3. I hate flip flops because they make that annoying flap sound that gets on my nerves and I want to beat whomever is wearing them over the head with hit.

4. To love someone is like drinking bleach and chewing on tin foil.

5. I want to go for a long hike.

6. When I crave food, it's usually junk food like Miss Vickie's salt and vinegar chips. Yum.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to drinking, tomorrow my plans include drinking and Sunday, I want to drink more wine!

Have a Safe Weekend.

The heat and Homicidal Tuesday.

2010-05-25T12:58:00.000-04:00

I am guessing y'all have sobered up after this wonderful fucking hot ass long weekend? If you didn't get a long weekend where you are. Sad for you.

It was Victoria day up here in the great cold north, except it was hot as hell yesterday and I fucking hate the heat. Hate it. Hate it. No question about it.

It is 11:20 a.m. and the temperature is 25 motherfucking degrees Celsius and because us Canadians want to fuck with the metric systemage. That is 40000000000000 degrees in imperial fucking measurement. Fuck me!

It's Tuesday and I am going to make this a Homicidal Tuesday. Blogger
Better by 30 inspired this post. And I stole the button, (if it ever motherfucking shows up on my blog because it keeps giving me the motherfucking error. RAGE!!) from Vodka Logic.

Alright onward.

It's summer, although not officially, the sun is shining and guess what, we have lots and lots and lots of asshole drivers on the road. It seems that the nicer weather brings out the creme de la creme of asshole drivers.

So, the point of this post is yes, you got it.

Asshole Drivers: The Middle Lane Straddlers.

Ohhh! and it is an open letter: Goodie!!

Dear Middle Lane Straddler: aka Asshole Driver,

Why must you straddle the middle lane when you are going 80 km/h. Knowing full well the speed limits on a three lane highway are: Left Lane: warp speed and pray to the universe you don't get pulled over. Much better to let someone else go first to clear the radar fuckers. Middle Lane: Fast - really fast. Right Lane: for those who shave their vagina's (remember her) while off to meet their boyfriend while their husband steer their car.... only in America! okay, we'll let the seniors drive on the far right. Yay seniors.

Happy Times.

So, asshole driver, Do you ever say to yourself, "Self, if the car on my right which is the slower lane is going faster than I am should I move over, so the guy behind me can drive at a normal speed that will not cause a major collision on the highway? Your answer to yourself should be:

"Why yes, asshole!"

"I really should because I may cause an accident if I am going waaaayyyyy to slow than the posted speed limit because I lack the ability to drive when the sun is shining and when the sun is shining this to me as an asshole driver gives me the right to drive like an asshole and ride my brakes for no motherfucking apparent reason, except that I am on my cell phone!" Yay. I am an asshole!

So, you see Asshole driver, here are some good driving tips. Start off with paying attention, you may also consider getting off your phone, or not eating a salad while driving or using your signal when you make sudden moves like changing lanes. Asshole.

Truly,

The woman that can drive better than you and knows enough not to use a cell phone while driving.

Asshole.

P.S.

I hate the heat. Did I already mention that? Yup. and yeah, I missed yoga so I am fucking raging.

It's Friday - No it's not asshole! "Fuck you, Fuck you Very Much" - Excellent

2010-05-20T14:14:00.005-04:00

Before I get to my usual post. I stumbled upon this video that was posted on one of the blogs I lurk. I love him and his blog becuase he posts Yummy eye candies.

Go visit him and I swearz you won't be sorry. No traumatizing visuals. Just pure Yummy (ness).

This video is dedicated to all haters.

You're welcome. Catchy Tune isn't it. Now hum that with a spring in your step!!

Fucking Hell. I should just change the name of my blog to Fuck. Just a thought!

I seriously thought it was Friday. Why? Could it be that I had gone out for a drink last night after class and woke up thinking its fucking Friday.

Fuck me, I had a nice glass of Jean Luc Colombo - Cotes Durhone. It was an orgasm with a red. I said I had a glass.

Fuck, I even arrived promptly in ~~hell with fluorescent lighting~~ the office with a spring in my step and thinking ohh, after my first appointment I can post a Friday Fill In on my blog. Woo hoo!

Haven't done those in a while! Double woo hoo.

So, I whisk by my assistant's desk whom we shall call as "woman in my life not in a carpet muncher way" (absolutely nothing wrong with that) dropped off her latte on her desk because she owns me and our usual morning conversation takes place.

Me: You're fired!

WIMLNIALW: No your're fired and late!

Me: Fuck you, am not.

WIMLNIACMW: Asshole! yes you are, you are suppose to be in there (pointing to a room full of people that drink Freud's cool aid.) doing a presentation.

Me: Fuck no,(as blood drains from my head to my toes, if I was a guy I would have a boner) its Friday! That presentation is next week.

WIMLNIACMW: You wish asshole! Your shit is set up and all you have to do is move your mouth and say "uhuh" and "uhum" and use some big dumb ass words and you're good to go.

Me: Are you sure its not Friday?

WIMLNIACMW: No asshole its Thursday. You are sooooooo fired!

Me: I hate you! (translates to I fucking love you and thank you for saving my ass I will buy you anything you want and yes you own me)

WIMLNIACMW: Thanks for the latte, I hate you too.

It is going to be an interesting day.

Timber Firefighter and Penile Gland?

2010-05-18T00:18:00.000-04:00

He had me at Less Than Zero (1987) when he played a drug addicted, bisexual hot,hot character. Have I ever mentioned how I love my ~~one of my T.V~~. husband. Bobby? That's Mr. Robert Downey Jr. to you.

I needed to get that off of my chest. Onward, not necessarily upward!

So, Monday night as you know is Yoga night. Post yoga, my hips feel delicious!!

This evening, Ms. Chataranga Dandansana had the class doing headstands.What is a headstand you ask? Oh, allow me!

Fuckin' A- owned that pose!
Okay, asana if you want to get all technical.

Let me back up and say that, hot firefighter also attends Ms. Dandasana's Monday night class and why he breathes like Dart Vader, I fucking don't know. I want to say "Luke I'm your father" but I don't cause he is funnier than shit and motherfucking HOT and he always lays his mat beside me. Awesome. I said mat, not meat. Everyone calm down!

He also catches all the words that Ms. Dandasana misprounces. So, tonight she had the class doing inversions. So up we go, the entire class doing a headstand. We stay up for maybe 2-3 minutes and during those three minutes she outlines the benefits of a headstand as she walks around the studio.

According to Ms. Dandasana, the headstand replenishes the brain with fresh blood stimulating the "pituitary glands", (Okay, sounds good, I'll buy that) "the hypothalamus" (ohh!! big word thank goodness she didn't hack it) and the

PENILE gland.

The what? Last time I checked, the penile gland is not in the brain and if blood goes into the penile gland I believe it is called a hard on. Yes? No? Boner? Excellent!

Hot firefighter and I both catch this and down we go like dominoes. Timfuckingber and No boner.

Quickies - Just Because I Can and I have a Vagina

2010-05-12T11:42:00.001-04:00

Let's just get this though out of the way:

"Puck and Finn, come to momma"

For you non-gleeksters, get with the program! Awright?

Next thought: This is not a quickie in that lets fuck, hurry up, I gotta go, so let's do it quick and dirty. I just want your penis in my vagina. No. Not that kind of quickie. Quickie for just this moment means this will be a quick random post. Okay?

I am motherfucking buried in research and I cannot find my ass if I wanted to shit. Frightening.

Good News, I am still alive doing quickie lurks on blogs.

So, I have had this sort of, kind of obsession, with hot solo artists, kinda like uhmm, can't think of one right now. But there is a reason for that, quickly some years ago, way, way, way back. I dated a musician and fuck, he was hot.

And because of the time and place and the planets not fucking lining up and maybe it was for the best reasons, I am not Ms. Musician. In retrospect, thank the fucking universe for that!

But fuck me, wait - thanks to the motherfucking interwebs, we reconnected. So what?, you say, well, I need to get back to you on this one.

Next thought: Tell me if this guy in this video is hot. I love the song but I want to know if you would drop it for this smokin' intense, hotness? I seriously seriously want to know your opinion.

I won a contest, because I vomited on Adam Lambert and Its Friday and I am inebriated and Sting's hottest video.

2010-05-08T00:45:00.000-04:00

Well, I didn't literally vomit on Adam Lambert, because you all know that I love him. Shut it! Still bitter that he did not win AI and the reason he didn't win was because Canadians were not allowed to vote. Fuck You. Simon. Fuck You!

So, its Friday and I am inebriated. Read as: Feeling no pain. So if I may seem to speak in another language uhm, maybe French then you would have to forgive me, not because I am speaking French. Frankly because I find the French language quite hot! Bon jour mon ami. So shut up! Where was I? Oh Yeah.

So, Who knew throwing up at an Adam Lambert's concert will result in - yours truly, winning this neat little gadget from a funny, HOT, Canadian blogger. Go visit and give him some love. love. love. I know you will love him.

So what's the story you ask? YUP, I saw the American Idol on tour when they were here in Canada and the one where what's his face won, yeah, that one.

Fucker!

So we had great seats, and the performers were great and Adam of course gave a fabulous performance. I said, Shut it! I was excited! Incidentally, that was the concert where someone threw a vibrator on stage while Adam was performing.

Asshole!

Quick thinking on your part Adam, you kicked it right back!! Ada boy. Who is Ada? What the?

So, before the concert we had drinks and I said to myself "Self, I am feeling a Pina Colada!" Not only did I have a Pina Colada I had three along with dinner.

It was delicious.

I don't know about you fuckers but Pina Colada and seafood just don't mix. Oh NO. NO. NO. NO. Either that or my tummy was just not Pina Colada and Seafood friendly that evening. So concert was finished and half way through the concert after Adam had performed, I was feeling funny. No funny, haha but funny as in breaking out in cold sweats, and not sure if I was going to vomit or shit myself. But shit, I can handle it. Woot. Woot.

After the concert the crew (my hookahs) all agreed to go get autographs and show our love for Adam. So we wait for Adam and by this time, I began feeling that salivating sensation in my mouth. You know that excessive saliva that you just keep swallowing but can't because you know YOU. ARE. GOING. TO. THROW. UP. ANY. MINUTE. NOW! Exactly. aaaannnnndddd its coming up!

BAM.

Pina Colada and Seafood - Shrimp Scampi to be exact ALL. OVER. THE. SIDEWALK. Take that Chris Allen!!

Fucker.

P.S. I was reading Bug's blog and for some reason, I wanted to listen to one of my favourite video. Listen. cause there will be a pop quiz.

No more Vagina and Penis Cupcake instead the outcome of.

2010-05-03T11:07:00.000-04:00

Today, I don't want to talk about Vaginas. I am guessing everyone has had enough of Vagina and Penis cupcakes on the weekend. Good and if you didn't well you are on your own. Let me know how things go.

I want to talk about one of the top ten things that amuse me also. No. not the Penis. Not today. Yup you got it. POOP! Awesome.

I am a disturbed individual. But hey. We are all in this disturbance together.

Let's get on with today's fucking topic. You may or may have not in your wordly interwebz travels have come across this literary gem.

The Different Types Of Poop

Ghost Poop - You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop - This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop - You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop - This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop - You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop - You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out (prairie dogin') before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop - This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop - This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop - This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop - (Also Known as Floater Poop) - Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop - This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle - The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop - The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop - The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler - The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber - The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop - The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop - The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper - The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop - The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop - The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop - When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop - You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Poop - It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

You're Welcome.

This would have been a Vagina post, I am a deeply disturbed individual. For sure.Photos may NSFW but it's the weekend, but if you are working on the weekend that kind of bites!

2010-05-01T11:20:00.002-04:00

Lucky for some, it will not be a Vagina post. Hmmm.

But if you insist on seeing Vaginas here you go.

Happy?

This photo is courtesy of one of the funny, awesome, bloggers I lurk at "Buggin Word" go visit her because she has a contest going on for you literary canons dying to get published by Springer Publishing Company. I am just shittin' yah. But just go visit her.

Oh for shit's sake, I hear some whinning. Kaaarist. Here you go!

Happy? I know I am. They are so cute. I don't know if any man would like to hear "AAwwwww your penis is sooooo cute". No. didn't think so.

Awesome, cause now I forgot what I was going to blabber about.

Have a good weekend hookahs!

Crawled out of Freuds Ass and into Target's Bowels and What the fuck? - and maybe an open letter to Gloria Fucking Steinham

2010-04-29T16:42:00.001-04:00

Seriously and Royally fucked up my blog. Here we go again. It seems to be a pattern when I am swamped with shit I tend to take it out on my blog literally, like fuck with it. BIG TIME FUCKING WITH IT!

So bear with me if my blog exceeds the ugly meter on your computer screen. I am just momentarily refraining from throwing my computer in the pond. So hang in there!

I know, I know, it may seem like I have abandoned my ~~dear imaginary~~ friends on the Interwebs. Have no fear, I have not gone too far, however, I have gone so far up Freud's ass that I may be tapping into his spleen. Soon!

Seriously, the dude had major issues and sadly, his shit continues to apply into so many day to day fuckeries that goes on. I for one, do not subscribe to his theory of women as being hysterical. Fuck you Freud, you just did not know how to handle a strong willed woman. Asshole!

What did I do to amuse myself after I have crawled out of Freud's ass you ask? Well, fuck me now because out of Freud's ass I climbed into the bowels of Target. YUP. Tarfuckingget. I am not quite sure why everyone or maybe only Canadians have this huge hard on for Target Stores.

The moment I say, "oohhh I am going shopping in Buffalo!" and bam, "oohh you have to go to Target!" So far, I have avoided going except it is the eleventy times I heard the comment. So off I go and see what the hoopla is about and fuck me now again, because
frankly, it is like a huge dollar store, filled with shit from China, Vietnam, Bangladesh. Why yes! I support child labour and modern day slavery!

There was not one single item I picked up that was not Made in China, Vietnam, Bangladesh and no doubt made in a sweat shop by 5 year olds or severely underpaid labourers. I for one like to stick to either Made in U.S.A or better yet products Made in Canada except for cars, cause that is a different story, so shut up!

So, Target, kiss my ass and just because I can say it, Gloria Steinham, you are not getting your letter today but you can kiss my ass too.

Best quote I read today:

"The truth is that if I thought that my promiscuity could unleash the power of the Titans from the bowels of the earth, I would never come up for air. That would be kind of awesome."
Tabitha Southey

Celebrating Earth Day with a Nasal Enema & Mental Masturbation.

2010-04-22T12:05:00.000-04:00

I have surrendered, succumb, OWNED by technology. The DVR is being shipped as we speak because as long as I have the ability to wipe my ass, (debatable) my heart will only be broken once. Fuck okay, twice. Fine. Shut up. three to five times.

The heartbreak will not happen again when TRUE BLOOD comes banging at my door. Na-ah!

This post may be a stream of consciousness writing, but what the hell it is mental masturbation time again.

The next 10 weeks will be intense, so if I disappear for a day or two do not be alarmed. It only means I am engaged in mental masturbation.

I will still visit you all, because YOU my hookahs are my drug, but my posts will be slim.

Let's get on with today's topic. Since it is Earth day, I want to talk about something earthy and basic, something that has been around for centuries hidden in the bowels of India.

NASAL ENEMAS. (yay to Ms. Chaturanga Dandasana) Ass enemas are good too. The best ass enema is Kentucy Fried Chicken, one KFC thigh and I am prairie doggin', but prairie dogs is not what I want to talk about although they are earthy, or how KFC gives me exploding diarrhea. Again, its giving back to earth. Fuck.

I want to talk about what I call NASAL ENEMAS or commonly known as NASAL IRRIGATION. I know, ignore the dude on the photo, or replace that image with Matt Bomer or Ian Somerholder doing a nasal enema and we are good to go.

So, in my world I call it a Nasal Enema or Nasal Douching. For real. In performing a nasal enema, a neti pot no not that kind of pot, is essential. This pot,

Fucking Aladdin had it allllllll this time. There are several variations to this little gem, such as this

I for one have this cute little pot, which was at one point mistaken (another one of those practical jokes) by the man as a coffee creamer, much to my horror when we had dinner guests and the creamer was served in my motherfucking neti pot. Calm down, it was not used. Nonetheless it was horrifying and at the same time historic and he still had to sleep with one eye open and bought the Burberry bag. hehehe.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah. If you come to my house, check the coffee creamer server.

So, using the neti pot has rocked my nasal passages since Ms. Chaturanga Dandasan waved it in front of my plugged up and infected sinus. Although I still get the nose drip, I can motherfucking breathe and have not had a sinus infection since my shnooze said hello to the little neti pot!

Holy fuck you say. "I might as well jump in a pool of heavily chlorinated water or dive in the ocean and get a nose full of octopussy and squidy, fishy water!"

No. my dear reader. No. because there is no water being horked in through your nasal passages and drilling through your brain bits, you are breathing through your mouth thus allowing the warm water to slllllllllooooooowwwwwwwllllllllyyyyyyyyyy bathe the nasal passages and at the same time puuuuuuurrrrrrrrrggggggggggeeeeeee the green gob of oyster that took up residence on your nasal passages - through your other nostril. Resulting in happy, happy, sinus!

Oh alright! here you go.

Got it? Now pay attention. I am not at all suggesting you run out the door and buy a pot and do some nasal douching, nonetheless it worked for me. Heaven forbid you use the pot and end up drowning. Don't come running to me. Now watch a video of my favourite song.

My Heart bleeding and I cannot even think of a title for this post - HEARTBROKEN.

2010-04-20T09:29:00.001-04:00

Monday nights are Sacred. It is Yoga Night. It has been like that for 6 motherfucking years. For 6 fucking years Yoga teacher, (we will call her, Chaturanga Dandasana) has been mispronouncing the word "coccyx" and "thoracic". When I hear her say "cock sinks" instead of "cock sis" (phonetically speaking), I still giggle. Instead of "thoracic" she throws around the word "thorastic". Don't get me wrong but when Ms. Chaturanga Dandasana fucks with words, like a 5 year old, I lose my focus.

Love her though, she makes my hips feel "delicious" and I always want whatever she is smokin'.

You would think that after an evening with Ms. Chaturanga Dandasana, I am calm as a cucumber and mellow but no, not today my Hookahs! Not today. Last night Ms. Chatarunga Dandasana failed, and I would like to add epic with that fail. She failed to line up my Chakras. Fuck Me.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

But that is not why my heart is bleeding (cue fiona what's her face's song here, too heartbroken to look it up).

Sniff.

My heart bleeds because...

I. AM. GOING. TO. MISS. GLEE. Yes, tonight is spring evening courses and Professor better be rocking my world in order for my heart to stop bleeding, It is going to be an incomplete motherfucking Tuesday. It would have been my favourite episode, because of the Madonna theme. I LOVE MADONNA. The eighties, early nineties MADONNA.

So, today, I am going to buy shoes, (retail therapy) to mend a broken heart (cue the Bee Gees song, the fuck?)

Monday Funnies, Still Here

2010-04-19T10:21:00.002-04:00

Yay. Monday. Love Monday (I lie.).

I am still here, homicidal blogger. I am still attempting to switch over to Wordpress and also uploading all the blogs I follow since I don't want to lose anyone. What good is a stalker if I lose my stalkee. That would be an epic fail as a stalker.

My weekend consisted of cleaning up the yard. I for one, honestly despise cutting the grass. I don't like that freshly cut grass smell. Call me weezy. I would like to be able to breathe. Don't get me started on raking. The fuck! I would much rather shovel snow that cut grass. Serious. Serious.

I am also taking photos of my yard as the perennials grow. I may grumble now but once all the plants are in full bloom, I enjoy it.

Don't let me bore you with my gardening ramblings. I have all week of fuckery to get into. Yay for fuckery.

See you around Hookah's.

P.S. My new read..

Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl

P.S.S. So fitting... I could not resist this one.

The text: "I live in Vienna. This is my local bar. It is shaped like a rectum."

Need I say more.

Homicidal Friday - Fuck you Blogger and all your Foreskins...

2010-04-16T16:59:00.002-04:00

No offense to those with foreskins. But really? Blogger powered by Satan? I have fucking had it.

Yesterday, I fucking could not log on to my blog for some fucking reason and when I did try to log on - my computer was doing one of those Keanu Reeves Matrix slow motion backward moves.

So, I am thinking, Blogger Kiss my ASS. I am going to use WordPress. After all, some of the really funny and cool blogs I follow are using Wordpress and when you open their blogs it is sooooo purty. You know who you are pretty bloggers at Wordpress!! So off I go picking up all my toys and saying hello to Wordpress.

Well colour me stupid! I set up my account, username and the passfuckingword and said to myself, "Self, you should get some work done and start thinking about what to make for dinner!" So the awesome mom that I am I dialed for delivery. My oven is for display only.

Okay so back to Wordpress! So did some work and head home and said hello to puppy and child. "Hello puppy, hello child". Chit chat with child and pet puppy.

Powered up the comp and hit Wordpress to sign in aaaaaannnndddd....

Yep, hello homicidal friday!!!

ERROR: Invalid username. Lost your password?
ERROR: Cookies are blocked or not supported by your browser. You must enable cookies to use WordPress.

Yup, I fucking cannot log on Wordpress because of fucking cookies.
Cofuckingkies. Fuuuuccccccck me. Where is my bat?

I hate you blogger powered by Satan and Wordpress powered by Satan's brother.

Yeah I Vogued!!!... Post Glee and Californication

2010-04-14T13:56:00.000-04:00

When the Universe comes knocking she also get to fuckin'! and when the Universe fucks with me, she fucks with me with maximum speed. Oh wait, that might have been my vibrator. Mmkay, nevermind!!

Mother of God, these serious grown up shits need to stop and on with the interwebz fuckery.

Hookahs! I was all excited with last night's episode of Glee. After some hard fucking from the universe and being in the company of a room full of mouth breathers, I had only one thing to look forward to at the end of the day and that was Glee.

Sads to say that I was disappointed with last night's episode, however what's his face's performance of Jim Morrison's "Hello" was not all bad. Brought me back to my fast and furious rockin' high school days a few ~~decades~~ years ago.

Hey I am not that old, I qualify into the new 30's so shut it.

I must have been living under a rock or not watch much telly except for Glee and True Blood. Since I have no life outside of grown up shits and the crew that I hang with, hello Californication!! Watched all the episodes on Season 3 and I lurvs lurvs the show.

David Duchovy as Hank Moody is rocking my world again, as much as he rocked my world in X-Files. Shut it I said.

But wait, back to Glee - next week is the Madonna theme and that's another hookah that rocked my world. Can't wait to see Ms. Sue's rendition of it in full effect. So I leave you with none other than my fav, and even had our own rendition of this video. Nope you ain't seeing that cause that went in the "Jesus I cannot believe we did that!" vault or "yeah, we drank that much" vault.

Vice Principal I am all over you like flies on shit - Conversations with Calypso - and how she threatened the Fish.

2010-04-09T10:34:00.004-04:00

Oh! hell no. Stop the motherfucking bus and tell me I did not just hear you say that children from single parent household are more problematic than children who are from 2 parent household.

Oh motherfucker, we need to have a little chat - debate - and mother fucker, bring it cause I got nothin' but time to tear a strip of you mother fucker of all fuckers. FUCK!

I am so fucking pissed my uterus is contracting like I was fucking giving birth.

Hang on, I need to breath into my uterus and send it some love.

Be right back.

Okay much better!!

On a much much lighter and valium + red wine induced post, like clockwork and as if she can smell my distress.

Calypso at my door to drag me out to Starbucks.
(I am not sure if the latte will disturb the holy shit is that a Unicorn effect of valium and red wine, I will let you know)

Remind me to tell you a story about when she just got her new car and how I always had to tell her to make sure the car is in "D" not "R" before she floors it. Especially if she is going forward at a red light when another vehicle is behind her! If the car is in "N" it means not going anywhere. Leave the other gears alone it is on a need to know basis, and you don't need to know what they are for.

Sometimes I wonder how she got through her Ph.d. Serious.

Love her and we are thick as thieves. Hos before Bros. Hookers Unite! We are not really hookers, whores maybe, but not Hooker we just call ourselves that.

The Crew of Hookers (regatta officials bite me). Then there is also the men crew which is a totally different crew but we all row the boat together and if one misses a stroke you catch a crab and have to jump in the muddy fucking water. Fuck you! Calypso its your oar jump in!

What the fuck was I talking about?

Oh yeah, anystroke, maybe the biggest mistake of my life is to give her the code for the front door and the alarm (it may be perhaps the threat she made toward my fishies in my pond, bitch!) Sometimes she just all of a sudden shows up so when I am coming up from downstairs "BAM!" There she is cooking a meal in my kitchen. Damn woman!

Creep!

So, if you remember the Vagina Tandoori karfafle. It was me that brought up the subject of India this time. I am very careful on where I bring up topics with her because she gets excited. One time we were in her car and I brought up the subject of a Brazilian wax and she hit the brakes so hard I thought the airbag was going to deploy but no it didn't but I had a seatbelt burn running across my chest for a while. All is good. This time, I waited until we pulled in to the buck's parking lot.

So I showed her the Vagina Tandoori picture and the following is pretty much the conversation that took place.

Me: Here you go hookah, read em and weep! Another reason why we should not go to India.

Calypso: (Paused and blinks, it takes a while for things to register sometimes, but the lights are definitely on) "We just have to make sure when we go do Indian (code word for eating at an Indian restaurant similar to let's do chinese, but we don't actually DO a chinese or Indian but here in Canada it is called Natives or Aboriginals and if you are from India then its East Indian. I digress. all the time. )we ask whether the tandoori is chicken or vagina. No biggie!!"

It is a no win for me.

Penis Glitter and Why I am not so sure about that trip to India.

2010-04-07T01:53:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, there was maximum disappointment because there was no penis glitter. I checked around my mouth and there was no glitter there either. Sad sad.

No sadness today because there is Penis Glitter for everyone.

Happy? Good. Me, not so happy.

I will tell you why. A few years ago I went to an Ashram. Jesus Hector Christ! I said Ashram not assram. You all need to relax. Why I agreed to go, I don't really know. Hang on, let me think.

Oh yeah, I remember because my yoga teacher described this blissful retreat that we who drank her Kool aid should attend and of course my best friend who also attends the same class and drank the Kool aid said,
"Oh my god, we need to go!" "Fric (my partner then) and Frac (her partner still, dummy.) can stay home with the kids."

Like a dutiful best friend, its Ho's before Bros. Ho(s) Unite.

Off we went, Trafuckingla. Drove out to the mountains in Quebec City and attended the retreat. It was awesome! The scenery fantastic! The yoga three times a day it was heaven! The waking up at 5:30 a.m. to chant and do yoga not so good. The vegetarian meals were delicious, but after three days of vegetarian meals we hopped in the car drove downtown and said bonjour mon ami to beouf. (means say hello to my little burger)

Delicious. Suckahs!

So then, while hiking up the side of a mountain to further enjoy the magnificent scenery and apparently reach the motherfucking summit, of what I don't know it was a fucking summit - she said:
"We should go to India!!!!!" It took everything I had not to kick her and watch her roll down the cliff we were hiking on. But because she had two children I didn't kick her.

I said, "No, Calypso Fucking Blossom (not her real name) No. We are not going to India.
So, we got back from the ashram feeling rejuvenated and ready to face our motherfucking hectic lives and once in a while Calypso (only when I let her in my house - I kid.) would bring up the topic of going to India.

My answer remains the same: "No Calypso Fucking Blossom. No. We are not going to India.
But now I have a legit reason.

Exactly.

A Promise... No Vagina and Penis glitter today.

2010-04-06T10:06:00.000-04:00

Its raining in my neck of the woods and unfortunately it not raining men which really really sucks. That makes me sad. I have been racking my brain to figure out what I could post about. I got nothing.

My brain is blank like a clean slate. Like the slate that I had when I was little that if I wrote on it there was a black mark and then when I lifted the plastic it erases everything I've written which is very annoying cause now I have no idea what I wrote. Just like that. Nothing. Blank. It reminds me no one ever came when I cried. I may have also been an orphan in an orphanage. But where else would an orphan stay. That was a side note. Sigh.

Then I started to lurk my favourite blogs that I read. Okay I lie, scan what you wonderful peeps have written. As I was ~~scanning~~ reading, I was thinking to myself, "Self, these bloggers take the time to gather their thoughts and write eloquently about their thoughts" then I continued to say to my self, "Self, you should take the time to read the entire post just incase one day a blogger quizzes you and say, "Pop quiz readers, what did I write on March 11, 2009?" and if I say to them, "I don't know what you wrote on March 11, 2009", then that would be very disrespectful right? Right.

So, I went on to talk to myself and said "Self, you should leave good comments instead of just saying "wow, that was a great post!" or "Awesome" or "You really made me cry!" or "Thank you for posting that and now I have to go take a shit!". So as a commitment to my fellow bloggers and for those I frequently lurk. From now on, I am going to start my comments with - lets us say your name is John, so for example:

Comment Example:

Dear John,

Your post was very thought provoking and it truly is another reason to be proud of the person you are, to be thankful for all the happiness you bring to our lives. Your post is also another chance to say how much you mean, how much you'll aways be loved. Happy Birthday!

All my love,
Virginia.

Oh Fuck, sorry, I was reading a birthday card.

But you get the idea.

Is the Bunny gone?

2010-04-04T22:28:00.001-04:00

OOOOhhhhhhhhhhhh maaahhhhhh ggggggoooooddddddddddddddd....

LALalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalal

Is it over? Is Easter over? Are the freakin' cutesy fucking bunnies gone?

Fuuuucccccckkkkkkkkk meeeeeeeeeee.

Where is everybody? Where? Where? is everybody.

Oh my fuck! Too much chocolate (sugar free that is).

It is good to know that sugar free chocolate is like laxative. Too much of it and hello exploding diarrhea!

I want to gouge my eyes out. Don't get me wrong, love, love, love the man's mom. She is awesome. I don't get it though or maybe they don't get it. I have to watch what I eat. Which means, no sugar. Fine! with the exception of the occasional cupcake. No bread, no starchy food. Some alcohol. Fine! A lot! But "a lot" of alcohol for me means 2 glasses of wine and I can nurse that glass for some time. Serious.

Dinner at the man's mom consists of: Like always, let's cook all the starchy vegetables ( carrots, parsnips and potatoes and sweet peas (which is loaded with sugar) that Virginia doesn't eat! Oh wait, lets also cook lamb and have lamb gravy!! Meeehhhheeeehhh.

Oh yeah, lets not forget the ham that Virginia hates also. Oh wait, did she offer to make a pot roast? Well hell, we don't eat beef at Easter time its not tradition. But she wants to bring it? Okay then!

During dinner: 'Oh my god this is really good you did a great job!' 'It is off the hook!' (welcome to the hood) The roast beef was delicious, lets eat it all. nom, nom, nom, nom.

NO ONE EATS THE FUCKING LAMB.

Oh! okay, lets bake a cake and put peanut butter icing on it and load it up with sugar!!!

Oh and let's invite a pastor and a former priest too. Do I get to stab the priest if he says something I disagree with?

Is dinner over yet?

DAMN RIGHT I GIVE A DAMN - DO YOU?

2010-04-03T15:10:00.002-04:00

GO AND JOIN. WE ALL NEED TO GIVE A DAMN.

http://www.wegiveadamn.org/

WE MAYBE GOOD. - Pass it on or when you wake up your titty or pepe will have a third eye, well if you have a pepe it will have two eyes...

2010-04-02T18:41:00.001-04:00

How would you like to be unconditionally loved just as you are without having to be or do anything special?

What would it be like to feel truly, completely and radically accepted without feeling as though you had to deny, hide or apologize for any aspects of yourself?

No idea? Yes? No? Me either. Sounded good though didn't it?

You thought this was going to be a serious post? Nah, that would be too much like work. I can only take serious for a short time.

I have been in a glass case of emotions lately. I had even seriously thought of deleting my blog, that is how fucked my emotions have been. It must have been the full moon, but whatever it is, I want whatever my yoga teacher is smokin' or drinkin'.

It may also be the hormones - not enough - too much? Who knows? Incidentally, how do you make a whore moan?

Don't pay her. I swear who comes up with these things!

I started blogging because I needed a place to vent and unload the shit that I just think of and cannot ordinarily say out loud because outside of blogville and living in a place where unicorn farts, formations and vagina and penis glitter are endless, I am surrounded with death serious except for my friends who for the love of shit make shutter island look like Disney. Fun times for all. For real! Where was I? Oh yeah!

I have virtually met bloggers who are talented, funny, beautiful, intelligent, outspoken and freakin' hot as hell. You know who you are. Yes, you. I appreciate everyone that follows or just lurks my blog, leave me a comment because I thrive on attention.

What I have learned from my fellow bloggers may be much more fun than what I would ordinarily learn elsewhere and my vocabulary has exponentially expanded. Does that even make sense? No? Deal with it.

I love reading comments on other blogs and some are just plain hysterically funny.

What the hell was my point? I have no fucking idea. Oh yeah. A few ~~weeks~~ days ago I was bestowed awards! Unbelievable you say. I say believe it, because its right here. Fuck, hang on, I have to find them. I kid.

First one is from:
Erin @ http://chaoticworldofasinglewoman.blogspot.com/

Beautiful woman. I would also say courageous, and holy hell, very artistic and creative. She also does scrap booking which, again, I can only wish I had the patience for. I for one had always been a wanna be crafter but have had too many run-ins with a glue gun and paste. If you are wanting a crafty tip or two, or just want to lurk a beautiful woman, not in a creepy way - go and see what she is up to.

My dear blogger friend Steven @ My Life My Thoughts...

Steven is artistic, and a beautiful soul and from what I could gather, he is also a fantastic cook. If I ever am in your neck of the woods I know where I am mawing down. He and I are both ~~obsessed~~ passionate about shoes and don't get me started on how many coats he has! Yeah, I remember that Steven. To this day, I still say "What the?" like I am doing right now. Where was I? Oh. yeah, he has four blogs and definitely all 4 are worthwhile perusing.

Last but not least.

Sage @ Welcome to Sageville

He is your good ol' country cowboy good folk. He was the first commenter on my first post ever and its been downhill from there. I kid. His blog is all about the itty bitty titty committee. I kid again. He has funnies and some interesting HNT posts and all kinds of fuckery going on in his neck of the woods. Go visit.

Here comes the rules. Rules. Rules. Rules, which are made to broken or just completely obliterated. We don't need no stinking rules. I make up rules. See how I am ad libbing because I forgot the rules.

Oh yeah. Pass them on to 7 peeps I know and then do the linky linky. My rule is go ahead, if you are reading this - grab an award because you are special and you make my blogging life fun. Without you then who is going to read this.

As for the 7 things that you don't know about me, I want you to ask me what you would like to know and I will answer.... maybe.

Grab which one you like, make up your rules and do a linky, dinky.

This award has a slightly different set of rules. Play along.

The rules: "tell what you want to be doing in ten years and tag ten other people"....

Shit on a stick! What the hell do I want to be doing in ten years?

I am hoping to have my own practice as a porn star. Yep!

Kisses my hookahs!

Friday Fill - In's

2010-04-01T23:44:00.000-04:00

Hosted by Ms. Janet at Friday Fill-Ins.

Happy Easter to all who celebrate it (except for the poor lamb that will get served during this wonderful holiday) And...here we go!
1. All you need is red wine.
2. Bloggers who swear a lot, make up new words and write funny shit fills me with laughter.
3. Each generation, as it grows up, leaves me breathless with its beauty. (I must be drunk!)
4. Hate, ignorance and unjustified fear is something I have a hard time dealing with.
5. A trip to Europe is what I need.
6. Love and you get back compassion along with vagina and penis sparkles. (insert harp music here, I am definitely drunk!)
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to reading an awesome book, tomorrow my plans include drinking red wine and Sunday, I want to not eat the lamb the poor lamb that has been victimized by the followers of Hesus. (dry heaves)!

BLOG DELETED

2010-04-01T17:51:00.001-04:00

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN DELETED BY GOOGLE DUE TO VIOLATIONS OF THE COMMUNICATIONS ACT.

Gotcha!!! I swear I was not going to do any April foolin' but it hit me. Its April Fools Day. Ha. Great - another reason to drink.

Under Construction

2010-03-30T12:39:00.003-04:00

The blue twitter bird has got to go. Not quite a fan of twatter just yet. Who knows I said that about Facebook and bam, I am whoring around in there.

Nonetheless, the fucking blue bird has got to go. OFF with his head!

Yep! Here we go again and again as you know I am "deconstructing" my blog.

Bear with me, I am re-decorating for the spring fucking event. (I just made that up).

I will be back shortly.

In the meantime. Jennifer Love Hewitt, Fuck You. Jennifer. Fuck you. you copy cat to the 2nd degree

P.S. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, SMACK TALK, RICKY "KIKI" MARTIN.
I love you Kiki.

SHUT IT! HEP!

P.S.S. Blue bird gone! I win blue bird (insert evil laughter here)

Set 'em Free - Le Freak - Freaky Dicky

2010-03-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

woooohooooooooooo!!!!!

Done Done Done Done (writing my thesis, 2nd semester) I am free from school for two weeks which leaves much much fuckery.

As soon as I hit the period this song came to mind

AWWWWW.

So nineties but what the hell!

I love me a Custom's officer! - Sugar Coma - No Friday Fill In's cause I am too lazy...

2010-03-26T18:43:00.002-04:00

YAWWWWNNNN, from a sugar induced coma.

Its the weekend and it is time to abuse mahself. Starting off with a peanut butter cookie and will shortly be followed by red wine as soon as I scrape my tongue!

I wanted a fucking cupcake, but nooooooo... no cupcakes around except for the customs officer at the booth on our way back from getting our ass kicked by the Buffuckinglo Sabres. Yeah, we lost and according to the crew it was my fault because I blogged about it. BITE ME!

I should, like a dutiful puck bunny download the photos I took and share.

Hang On!

Okay wait, just remembered. Holy mother of shits and exploding diarrhea!!

OH MY GOD, Funny story. I just remembered. I "accidentally" took a pic of this hotness standing in front of me in between periods (eeww) looking down mah shirt (perv).

I thought I could pull it off without him knowing, so I strategically positioned my camera on my lap and with the camera facing him and making small adjustments so not to cut off his head cause after all he was hot and clicked!

THE MOTHER FUCKING FLASH WENT OFF!!!!

Busted!!!

While the rest of the crew leans forward to see what the hell I am up to, and just as he was about to say, "Did you just take my pic?" I said "oh my god, did my camera just go off? I am sorry." I deleted the picture.

Waaaaahhhhhhhhh.

I know, chicken, chicken, (insert chicken sound here cause I don't know how to type it!)

Seeing as he was with a woman and I was not in the mood to get my ass kicked, especially wearing my favourite shirt. My best option was to play ooopsie.

I shouldn't have deleted the pic because he just smiled.

Onward with the pics....

Meet Mr. Conehead.

Ohhh someone discovered "Edit" on photos...

I am so NEW.

Don't know 'bout you all, but there is something hot about a man and his stick.

Spank me?

HOCKEY WOULD BE BETTER PLAYED NAKED.

Forgive me, I get bored easy.

Last one,

PICTURING HIM NAKED...

OOOOOKKKKAAYYY, Have an awesome and safe weekend everyone. Keep your stick on ice (???) and your eyes on the puck bunnies. Do you have an idea of what I am talking about? Me either! Kisses.

P.S.

Never. Ever. say to a Customs Officer: Heeeeyyyyy muffin, how are yah?

Its Hump Day for some, It will be an evening in an arena full of hot men for me.

2010-03-24T13:06:00.002-04:00

Wooooooo fucking hoooooo!!!!

I have quit my ~~sometimes~~ noble profession and I am going to be a PORN STAR!

(Just kidding, maybe!)

What better way to spend Hump Day than in an arena full of HOT MEN...

The PLAYAHS - (some)

Matthew Darche - HOT

Ryan O'Brien - HOT

Hal Gill - HOT

Brian Gionte - HOT

watching Montreal Canadiens open up a can of whoop ass on Buffalo Sabres!

(sorry didn't mean to scream that!)

Not to mention the hot men that attend the game!

My head will be spinning like a pinwheel!

HAPPY HUMP DAY! I am off to shit, shower and shave.

GAME ON!!!!

Panties from the Mailman and Another Clue As To Why I MAY NOT be Asian. Caution: Pictorial Contents may induce dry heaves for some.

2010-03-23T12:19:00.003-04:00

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

Its about time you delivered my panties Mr. Mailman!

What an awesome distraction and a much needed one from the bowels of Freud.

(fuck you Freud, and all the old dead men who wrote a shitload of fuckery)

"I got my paaaannnnties, and you don't have one, your momma is on welfare...anndd iffff you waannnt onnee...."

(oh sorry I digress, that's from Eddie Murphy's first stand up comic video, remember? No? Me either.)

This is the absolute greatest "pay it forward" in a HOT and SEXY way and it is not too late to join in on the

Panty Pyramid

The Insatiable Host who is hosting the Panty Pyramid

has made my vagina sparkle once again.

(Shut up! not in a muffin muncher kind of way).

She has bestowed upon me this beautiful piece of vagina sparkle inducing garment.

(the following images may or may not induce dry heaves, be warned)

Since I don't have a bobble head of ~~Fried~~ Freud, Einstein jumped in. No relation at all to the theme. But what the fuck!!.

I know you may never look at Einstein again without thinking of vagina sparkles, but what the hell that may not be sooo bad.

The focus here is not on Einstein or the Beaujolais that taste like watered down wine.
My apologies to all French sommeliers!

Honestly, I prefer bold and oaky flavour that explodes in my mouth.. I digress. hmmm.

Okay, Einstein is looking a little creepy comfy in there and may need to go.

I am just showing up my metaphoric, juxtapositions here. (Whatever that means!)

My pets, please visit THE INSATIABLE HOST and join her PANTY PYRAMID

I am off to tie one on. I mean try this one on.

Kisses HOOKAHS!

P.S. The clue as to whether or not I am Asian is to be continued.

Monday Detox - Random Weekend Wrap Up !- WTF Lady Gaga

2010-03-22T09:14:00.000-04:00

Oh yay, Monday is here. Like always, weekends are made for abusing thine self.

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry!

In case anyone cares here is what I did while I was not fucking with my blog.

Saturday:

Off to Buffalo to go shopping and have dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Nowhere in this motherfucking free world would I wait almost two hours to have dinner except for this fine establishment.

It reminds me of Martini Bars where they serve different kinds of Martinis, the Cheesecake Factory serves over 50 different kinds of Cheesecake. And since it is abuse my body on weekends.

I had Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple for dessert. Adam is made of...

Creamy Cheesecake Swirled with Caramel, Peanut Butter, Butterfingers® and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups®.

It was better than an orgasm.

Is my body all fucked up from all that sugar? Heeellllllll yeah!

I have all week to detox and eat nothing but lettuce.

Shopping did not blow my hair back this weekend. The usual stores that give me instant orgasms, did nothing for me! Ass wipes!

Banana Republic: Nothing

Victoria Secret: Nothing

Anne Klein: Nothing

J.J Crew: Nothing. What the fuck is with the little fucking belts? I hate them

Hollister: Why the hell do you need to empty an entire bottle of cologne in your store? Gah! Damn, turn the music down and turn the lights on, I can't see what the fuck is in here. Oh hey, Hollister boy was that your ass I just grabbed? So Sorry!

Coach: Bite me! I am not in the mood to pay $300.00 for a purse... today.

Williams and Sonoma: Stick your "Herbs De Provance" up your ass.

Pottery Barn: Fuck the "New Englandy, rustic, ropey, sea shells, ocean bluey, gotta have 50 yellow, beige and bluey throw pillow on a white couch" look!

My dog: "Oh goodie, more pillows to throw up on".

Blech!

Needless to say, shopping put me in a miserable mood.

Fucking Capitalists!!

Nonetheless, all was well when I took the first bite of Adam. Adam, you and me are besties.

Sunday:

Sunday Breakfast: The usual. Western Omelet, egg whites only, easy on the cheese and no toast, no bullshit homefries either!

Grocery shopping: I would rather drink bleach than grocery shop!!

Sunday Dinner: The man cooks on the barby. Yayyy! No really. Yay!

Are you convinced I was excited? Me either.

What did you do over the weekend that blew your hair back?

_____________________________________________________________

What the Fuck?? Really, Lady Gaga, Really?

$195.00 for a mother fucking ticket to see your concert?

Do I get to sleep with you? Do I get to sing with you? Are you going to wash my car? Are you cooking me dinner? Are you doing my laundry? Are you going to wash my floor? Do I get free shoes? Are you going to wipe my ass?

Do I get to see your vagina? On second thought, strike that one out. I just dry heaved on myself.

No? then fuck you Lady Gaga. Have fun in Toronto. If you need maple syrup stop by my mother fucking house. Hookah!

BLOG UNDER MOTHERFUCKING CONSTRUCTION

2010-03-20T12:39:00.007-04:00

FUCK!!!

As I type this I am hysterical in laughter. Yeah, I jacked up my fucking blog.

It is under motherfucking construction.

You see I was up early writing and then I looked at the time. Oh goodie! I have been a good girl. I wrote a few (8 pages) of verbal diahrrea on my thesis. Yaaayy, I am a good woman and a brilliant student so its either a) time to uncork the Beaujolais that is seriously calling my name or b) time to fuck with my blog. TAA motherfucking DAAAA.

Fuck with my blog I did. Fucking royally. The template I chose before this one, looked a little like dog shit that someone had stepped in. To be exact it looked like the dog shit that is stuck to your shoe. Brown and embedded in your shoe!

I am liking this one but not sure - if I post a video, will it take up this section and over to the right. That would look very very fucked up!

So being the pseudo social scientist I am. I shall test it!

We shall see.

Thought you might like that my fellow "fangbangers"!

Fuck you Sookie! You can be replaced by me.

Bromance? Sexual Tension? between Eric and Bill!!!

Now, that's hot!

Where was I?

Oh yeah,

Yup, this is exactly what I did not motherfucking want. When shit that is on this side is going over to the shit that is on the other side (look to your right. yup that's it!)

But wait! Is this a dagger I see? Okay, Hamlet, or is it Othello. I need that drink after all. I was making a point here.

Oh yeah, you can if you wish and as I have discovered, fuck with the dimensions of the you tube video to make the mother fucking video fit the page!! I can even make it smaller (that's what she said).

So, forgive me while I compose myself and from time to time you will see the process of construction. Bear with me because I have seriously fucked up my blog.

No worries, I will still post but next time you visit it my blog may look like Mr. Potato head on crack.

''Oh What a Night!" & I am burping Indian...

2010-03-19T14:19:00.003-04:00

What could be better than watching 4 incredibly hot men dancing on stage?

Nothing. I was in heaven.

Although I was only but a glimmer in my poppa's loins when the group Franki Valli and the "Four Seasons" was at the height of their career, growing up, their music permeated our home. Last night was definitely a trip down memory lane.

Well, I won't bore you with my commentary but here are some snippets. The videos posted here are not the ones from last night's incredible performance; (since obvs, video recorders are prohibited) but it is the same performance injected with intoxicating energy. (I am still a little enamored with the musical.)

We also had incredible seats!!

Thanks CBS and You tube for this clip.

Do you see the overabundance of hot, men? Yes, my kind of night! (hehe)

Joe Pesci as he said it, "he was there". He was also a character in the Toronto version.

Here is the Toronto cast and they did a Phenomenal Performance.

Hot, Delicious, Not Bad, and Holy mother of god, Hot.

We also had the opportunity to get our CD signed. I will post an update as soon as I download the photos.

We also had went to an East Indian restaurant and had an amazing Chicken Curry and Chicken Vindaloo with Naan bread. So I was burping Indian food all the way home. Just thought I'd share that. There was no exploding diahrrea though which I though might have been a possibility.

The theatre:

Summary of Hump Day, Fucking the Dog and a cool video at the end of my rant. Honest!

2010-03-17T23:32:00.003-04:00

It's late and I have heartburn. I did nothing all day but 'fuck the dog!' So to speak! You all know that my life revolves around writing my thesis, and doing all kinds of things a productive human being is supposed to do, no idea what that is though, but fuck when I need to work on my thesis, I procrasti-fucking-nate.

Just a brief summary of what I had done today. Which is Wednesday and hump day (twice). Just in case you want to know what I have done today, although you didn't ask, I am gonna tell you anyway. If you don't want to read what I did today, go here. Yup! You should have kept reading. Meeeh!

Da man is back from Maple Syrup Sap gathering, and brought me back... yes, you guessed it Maple Syrup. So, we got up in the morning and went out for breakfast cause I hate cooking, sometimes. He had pancakes and I had a western omelette with egg whites only, no toast or homefries just tomatoes on the side. Yup! that is how I eat.

Then we came home and purchased tickets to the musical "The Jersey Boys!" so Ms. Congeniality and will go see it tomorrow night because we like musicals. Yay musicals! Shut Up! Don't Judge. You should go see it.

Anymusical, then Da man said, "I gotta go I have work to do" and I said "Waaaaaa" and he said "I'll call you tonight" and I said, "Waaaaaaaa". And he left. Bye.

Then I looked over my case studies, then I was stumped and I e-mailed my professor and I said, "In the section of the blah, blah, blah, are you looking for blah blah blah? and she said..

"I intentionally provided challenges in a broad way so as to allow you to identify what the difficulties have been for you. Your description below of the challenges that were present in your work are very appropriate for this paper. I hope that this helps!"

and I said... in my head, "I hate you". I can't really tell her I hate her because she will fail me, then I will be sad and hate her more.

So, then, I rooted around the blogs I lurk, then I was feeling guilty and thinking to myself "Self" I should really try and read my articles so I have something to hang my hat on. So to speak. But I didn't, instead, I rooted around the interwebs and found some awesome blogs.

Then I got hungry again, because it was dinner time and I went to go get a salad because I like salad and that is all I eat sometimes, not unless there is cake around, then I eat salad and cake. In case, you are wondering where Ms. Congeniality is, she is out with friends because it is Spring Break. So she had a better meal than I did. Sads.

So, then, I was at the salad bar getting yup, you guessed it salad lots of it and then yes you guessed it hot guy at the salad bar. Yaaay, for hot guys at the salad bar.

So then,I was getting my salad, then he said, "you like pickles?" and then I laughed, and laughed and laughed and I said, "I am sorry, I didn't mean to laugh,but that is a funny line and yes I like pickles!" then he said, "yeah, that was very awkward" and I said "Do you like pickles?" and he said, "Nah" and then I said, "that's too bad they are good for you." and then it was the end of the salad bar. Sads.

So then, I came home and ate my salad and then I read my articles and got nothing. Then I cleaned out the fridge and did some yoga stretches because I am thinking that may just help me focus but it didn't so, then I lurked more blogs.

Then, oh look! it is 8:00 p.m. time to watch Bones. I love David Boreanz. Nope! no pictures of David, because I am too lazy. So I watch Bones and Bones finished. Sigh.

So then, I looked on the interwebs and lurked more blogs and I had a sip of wine and it gave me heartburn. Pain. But I kept looking on the interwebs then I found this from Mr. Lev Yilmaz, then I e-mailed him and asked him if I can borrow the video for my blog but, he didn't answer. Sad. Maybe he has not read his e-mails yet, or maybe he is also procrastinating and has not gotten around to reading his e-mail.

I hope its okay, because I borrowed it from him.

So, there you have it. Tomorrow is another day.

Yummy Irish Dishes.... Wednesday Apparel...

2010-03-17T13:28:00.017-04:00

Irish Dishes... (slluuuurrrrppppp)....

Oh Colin, my pet...

Tom Brady call me...

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

My new Wednesday apparel.

Yaay, another good reason to drink green wine!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all... and Drink Up Bitches...

Post It Tuesdays... HOT SERVERS & Salami

2010-03-16T00:02:00.000-04:00

Hosted by: Chief

Brought to you by the letters: F U C K

and the numbers: 8 and 8 = a pretty good size (workable)

Please check your Salami(s).

"Fourteen Ontarians have fallen ill with listeriosis this year, two of them directly tied to pre-cooked ham and salami products found to be contaminated with the potentially deadly bacteria. Five others have died of five different strains of the bacteria" Full article here.

The above Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the letters:

S H O O T M E.

It's Monday - Bullshit !

2010-03-15T01:47:00.002-04:00

Just Bullshit Monday

P.S. Random Thought, not particularly related to Bullshit Monday.

Alexander Skaarsgard....HAWT.

12 Hours of True Blood and I am Addicted

2010-03-13T16:09:00.004-05:00

I must have been living under a rock! All this time, here I am thinking I am all that and a couple of bag of doritos and I see this show and I am all like Oh my god! why have I not ever seen this show?

The first scene alone I am all, "what the?" "is she?" "fuck really?"

Oh, this Vampire show is for grown ups with good dark humour. Move over all you Twatlight fans. Puhlease!!!

This here is not for kids. Here I am thinking it is all scary and good god I will never sleep again t.v. show, but NO. It is hot, full of eye candy for all, I mean all.

Where the hell have I been?

If he (Mr. Compton) ever came to my door looking all pale and needing some drinky drinky and said, in his husky I am all that and a bag of potato chips voice "~~Sookie~~, Virginia I want to drink you!"

I be all like "okay!"

(smiley face and bouncey bouncey)

So, here I am after having whipped through the first season of "True Blood", I really, really want to be a ~~"fangbanger"~~ VAMPIRE. For serious! (yes, I am a five year old)

I will give up all unicorn farts that glitter, vagina and penis glitter for darkness (not too dark, cause I scared) and vampire penis and vampire hotness and pretend blood which will be red wine and lots of it, and I will always be....oooonnnnn....

STEALTH MODE.

How motherfucking cool is that?

Oh no! the hotness does not start and end with Mr. Moyer, oh nooooo...

BAM!

Heeeeelllll, yeah, him and lots of shirtless shots of him and....yes, full frontal and back shots!

HOT!

Did I say nudity and whoa! Nellie scenes? Yup, lots of them.

Oh, alright, and her...

If you have not seen the show, go to the video store, c'mon go. Not unless of course you all have seen the show cause you are all that and a bag of potato chips then well, fine.

Only the first season is out and the second season is not out until mother fucking May! Pffft, you know, I am on a mission to find Season 2 of this hotness by any means necessary.

UPDATE:

I love the interwebs.
I MOTHERFUCKING FOUND SEASON 2 and just finished watching episode 1